
So we always taught our kids to be kind, patient, considerate of others. But not everyone does that.
And this great NYTimes piece by pediatrician, Perri Klass, M.D. sorts it out in a great way.
As a doctor, Klass views social skills right up there with the three R's. Reading, (w)riting, rethmetic.
Rude is not good.
Parents, your job is to help prepare a being for their future. In social skills along with everything else. Or they can't function in society.
The good doctor says:
"One of the long-term consequences of being a rude child is being a rude adult — even a rude doctor. There are bullies on the playground and bullies in the workplace; it can be quite disconcerting to encounter a mature adult with 20 or so years of education under his belt who still sees the world only in terms of his own wants, needs and emotions: I want that so give it to me; I am angry so I need to hit; I am wounded so I must howl."
Not OK.
It really seems to be a disservice to allow bad behavior.
Who to guide us?
As a model, the Miss Manners serves.
"I like Miss Manners’ approach because it lets a parent respect a child’s intellectual and emotional privacy: I’m not telling you to like your teacher; I’m telling you to treat her with courtesy. I’m not telling you that you can’t hate Tommy; I’m telling you that you can’t hit Tommy. Your feelings are your own private business; your behavior is public."
Not always easy. The little people have a way with getting their way. But that's how we, as a community work. With each other. Manners.
"But that first big counterintuitive lesson — that there are other people out there whose feelings must be considered — affects a child’s most basic moral development. For a child, as for an adult, manners represent a strategy for getting along in life, but also a successful intellectual engagement with the business of being human."
Good business that human stuff.
1 comment:
Lulu Mom,
Thank you for this post! I have been exposed to wonderfully mannered children (who did not, by the way, get there with a whip and chains)and I have been exposed to children who seem to think it's all about them--way past the age that I could explain that in developmental terms.
I have never had children of my own. I can imagine the skills and patience it takes to be a parent, but I have not had to employ them on a daily basis in my own home. I stand in awe of parents.
I personally know parents who give me hope about the fate of the world when I'm gone. I also personally know parents whose elementary school aged children (and pre-school children) walk all over them. The difference begins with manners, I think.
Having seen adults who hold their forks like infants (gripped in their fists), I am inclined to believe that just as fork holding behavior goes, so goes manners as a whole. So I am in agreement with you that ill mannered children become ill mannered adults.
Thanks for your sensible, practical, and well mannered approach.
Melanie Mulhall
http://www.melaniemulhall.wordpress.com
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